How to Love Despite Appearance

Sorry I’ve been slacking on my updates, but here is a BIG update!! 

On Wednesday, October 2nd, I went for a routine ultrasound with my Perinatologist, my last ultrasound before my Csection on Friday. She started measuring my amniotic fluid levels like she usually does, and I made a comment that it looked like Camden drank up all of his fluid, but didn’t let it back out. After a few minutes, she told me that I was right. (My fluid levels were at 5.9, but my levels were at 14 just the week before.) So, my Perinatologist called my OB, she came back, and told me I was going to meet my baby boy later that evening!! I wasn’t nervous at all, just very excited!!

It was about 9:30AM when I got admitted to Labor & Delivery. My Csection was scheduled for 5:30PM, so I had a lot of waiting to do! So, I waited… and waited… Got bored and took a picture in my hospital gown, cause that seemed to be the cool thing lately.

Here are a few more pictures of me waiting.

Me and my little sister, Bell.

Mom got bored and made Camden a hat for him to wear after he was born.

It was almost time for me to go back to the OR and meet my baby boy, so I got some pictures with my friends and family.

My doula Nikki, Me, Mom, Bell, and Stetson’s Mommy Kim.

 My Step Dad Mark, Me, Mom, and Bell.

Now it is time for me to get ready for my Csection. Still not nervous, just excited.

 Last belly picture. 38 weeks and 5 days.

Now I start getting nervous.

Once my OB started cutting me open, I started getting very nervous. I was scared out of my mind because I was being cut open and reality started hitting me hard. Tears started rolling from my eyes. This is it. I am about to meet my baby boy. The boy I’ve been waiting on the past 9 1/2 months. I was afraid of how I would feel once I saw him. I knew I loved him so very much, but what if all of this wasn’t what I thought it would be? What if I rejected him and didn’t want him?

It wasn’t what I thought it would be at all… My OB lifted him up to show me and the tears started pouring. I couldn’t move my arms to touch him when he was shown to me, which made me cry more. I knew right then that I loved him. He looked pretty gross, but I loved him. He was all mine.

He was wiped off, wrapped up, and brought to me. I cried even more happy happy tears. He was so beautiful. I started loving him more and more.

Here is my sweet baby boy, Camden Lee Steele Whiddon. Born October 2, 2013 at 6:02PM, via Csection, weighing 4 pounds 8 ounces and 12.5 inches long.

Mommy’s first kiss.

 

Soon after I met my beautiful baby boy, I was told he was having some trouble breathing, so he had to go to the NICU. That broke my heart. I was so scared for him. Most of all, it hurt me that I couldn’t be with him while he was hurting. He was put on the CPAP to help him breathe. I’m so happy I had my Mom there to be with him.

After I recovered for a little while, I was taken to Camden in the NICU for a few short minutes to see him. I was so sad that I couldn’t stay there with him and that I couldn’t hold him on his first day of life.

The next morning I was told that Camden was off the CPAP and was breathing on his own! I was also told that after I saw my OB and my epidural wore off, I could go see Camden and hold him!! I really really wanted some skin to skin time and to start breastfeeding as soon as possible!! When my epidural was taken out I tried moving my legs right away. It seemed like it took forever!! Finally I could move my legs and a little after that I was able to stand on my own! After waiting and waiting, I was finally able to go see and hold my little Camden!!! I was extremely excited!!

Our first cuddle.

Our first time breastfeeding. He did so good!

When I held him for the first time, I truly fell in love. He was just so amazingly perfect. I started to cry, but I held back the tears. I was the happiest I ever been in my entire life. My heart was overflowing with love! I stayed in the NICU with him for hours, until the nurses said that they were going to take him to the newborn nursery!!! Yay!!! No more NICU!!! 

After Camden was sent to newborn nursery I kept him in my room as much as possible!! I was addicted to this baby!! Had to have him with me at all times!! 

Camden’s body was the same size as my Hospital cup.

Couldn’t stop looking at him.

Cutest baby I have ever laid eyes on!

Camden and Stetsons first time meeting.

Can’t get anymore perfect than this!

Camden and my OB.

Going home!

Me and Camden. 5 days old.

Camden’s first bath.

One week old.

Camden’s umbilical cord fell off on October 11th. 

2 weeks old.

3 weeks old.

This is a little something I wrote when Camden turned 1 month old:

I have learned several things since October 2nd, 2013… I make cute babies. My son can be awesome things for Halloween, like a Gingerbread Man with his arms and legs bit off or an ice cream truck or spaceship when he gets his wheelchair. Being “different” is WAY more awesome than being “normal”. There is no such thing as “normal”. People who make fun of others for their appearance are just ignorant and can’t see deeper than skin. Arms and legs are not in the definition of ‘perfect’. Hats are cooler than shoes. You can fall in love 100 times in one day with the same person. You don’t have to be a girl to be a Princess (spoiled little brat). There is such a thing as “love at first sight”. You don’t have to have a hand to “hold hands” or full length arms to hug. How to love despite appearance… and so so so much more!!
I’d rather relive the day I found out Camden didn’t have arms and legs 1,000 times over and over again than change one thing about him. Thank you, Camden for teaching me all of these things. When I look at you, all I see is PERFECTION. Thank you for giving me a purpose and for giving me the opportunity to experience what REAL unconditional love feels like. I am so blessed to be the Mommy of such an incredible little boy like you. Thank you for showing me that being a single mom is awesome because I get all of your love!! I never thought that my child would be one to bring so much joy and be such an inspiration to so many people. You are my beautiful, perfect, amazing baby boy and I am so happy that God made us for each other. Happy 1st month of life! I love you, Camden.

Happy Halloween!!

5 weeks old.

When you look at Camden, you probably see that he is “missing” his legs, lower arms, feet, and hands… When I look at Camden, I see just a baby. I don’t know how to explain it, but he is just so… NORMAL. He isn’t “missing” anything.  He’s just Camden. A fat, happy, and sweet baby boy. You will never understand unless you have a special baby from God. This is what I see…

Today Camden is 6 weeks old. Every morning I wake up and he is always right there. Sometimes right in my face staring at me, and it always makes me smile. I just cannot imagine my life without him!! I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.

6 weeks old.

I was just reading my first blog post. I read the part where I was talking about the things that Camden will never be able to do. 

“My sweet baby boy is never going to be able to walk, he is never going to be able to ride a bike, he is never going to be able to brush his own teeth, he is never going to be able to bathe himself, he is never going to be able to go to the bathroom by himself, he is never going to be able to play like a normal child, he is never going to be able to hold someones hand, he is never going to be able to wear shoes, he is never, he is never, he is never...” 

Now I sit here and I know that Camden will be able to do ALL of those things!!! He may not be able to do those things the exact way we do, but he will do it!! NEVER SAY NEVER!! He’s already proven me wrong in one of those things… Like I said above…

You don’t have to have a hand to “hold hands”

Thank you, God for giving me such an amazing blessing.

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