“My body will never look like THAT!” is what I told myself 4 years ago about another body that looks exactly like my body today.
I have been conditioned so much to think that THIS type of body is disgusting. Is ugly. Is not worthy of affection or compliments. Is not even worthy of being looked at, like the smaller less flawed bodies are.
I have found myself moving Cole’s hand when he’d run his fingers down my tummy, knowing that if he went any further he’d feel where my stretched and sagging skin hangs over my csection scar.
Him just appreciating my body and the fact that I’m sharing it with him. Me just hating that there’s more to touch than when we were first intimate.
The other night Cole just couldn’t keep his eyes off of me. I asked him,
“why are you looking at me like that?”
He replied, continuously,
“you’re just so cute!” “you’re just so beautiful!” “You should take a picture of how you are right now.” “That shirt and those shorts just look so good on you!”
And I hated it. Those compliments felt more like insults, in a way.
I looked in the mirror and I saw what he saw. I WAS beautiful. My clothes DID look good on me. I felt so pretty that night.
But if I took off my clothes it would show everything that the world says is ugly, disgusting, not worthy of praise or affection. It would show him the body I said I would never have.
I asked him to not compliment me, because it makes me uncomfortable and doesn’t make me feel confident.
“Just kiss me extra when you want me to know I’m beautiful.”
I could see the disappointment, or some other similar emotion, in his face while still wanting to be supportive of me. And I’ve never been more disappointed in myself because I should always be so proud of this body.
So yesterday I let him touch me on my tummy, where I would usually pull his hand from. I was so nervous that he would pull his hand away when he felt my sagging skin, but he didn’t. He continued to appreciate my body the way I should have been doing all along.
My body is worthy of so much affection, love, physical touch, and compliments.
This body is strong, beautiful, and amazing.
And babe, I’ll take that compliment next time. 💛
Admirably Diverse 